Insecurely attached babies

Insensitive caregivers often create insecure attachments with their

babies. What are the characteristics of insensitive caregivers?

-

 They respond to their babies’ needs based on the caregivers’

feelings and needs.

-

 They are inconsistent.

-

 They reinforce positive behaviors and ignore negative ones.

In a misguided effort to teach children how to control their

behavior, insensitive parents teach their children rejection.

Insecurely attached babies may ignore, actively resist, or cling to

their caregivers.

Bonding with an adopted

or foster child

Even if you are a sensitive parent, your adopted or foster baby may

come to you with an insecure attachment pattern. Or perhaps after

reading the previous section you recognize that you exhibit some

characteristics of an insensitive caregiver. Either way, you can

work to improve your situation by recognizing these attachment

patterns and taking action to bond with your new addition in a

positive way.

Attachment is co-created: The combination of your child’s tempera-

ment and your sensitivity determines the quality of attachment.

Adopting a newborn or infant

So if you’ve adopted a newborn or infant, where do you begin the

bonding process? Cuddling, holding, massaging, touching, stroking,

kissing, and hugging are all wonderful ways to create an attachment.

The more often you touch your baby in a nurturing way, the sooner

you will build the trusting relationship you need to form a secure

attachment.Children who live in institutions in other countries are often used

to very rigid routines, little or no emotional and sensory contact,

and neglect. (In some Eastern European countries, orphanages

have only one caretaker per 50 infants.) Most of these babies live

in institutions because their parents are extremely poor; their fami-

lies literally cannot afford to feed them. Living in an orphanage for

even a short period of time may profoundly affect a baby’s or

child’s ability to attach.

Do not lose hope. Many children who have lived in institutions do

very well after being placed with a loving family. It takes time to

deinstitutionalize your child. He needs a lot of physical and emo-

tional contact with you to be able to reattach.

Here are some ways you can make your child’s transition easier:

-

 Have a cuddly transitional object (a blanket or stuffed animal)

ready for your child right away.

-

 Plan on sleeping in the same room as your child at first; he’s

probably used to sleeping with a roomful of other children.

-

 Realize that you are responsible for teaching your baby about

touch: when, where, and how.

-

 Find out about your baby’s cultural attitudes regarding touch

before you bring him home.

-

 Be careful not to overstimulate your new baby.

-

 Avoid separations.

-

 Recognize that your baby may reject your touch at first due to

sensory defensiveness. Don’t take it personally or give up.

-

 Create and stick to a routine.

-

 Use play with objects that have different textures and shapes

to introduce touch and provide an opportunity for physical

closeness.

-

 Plan on you and your partner being your child’s only caretakers

at first.Realizing effects on attachment

As we explain earlier in this chapter, attachment is a reciprocal

dance between parents and their baby. Developmental delays can

affect your ability to attach and bond with your baby.

It is challenging to form an attachment with a baby who is unable

to return a smile or coo, or a baby who can’t hear you speak lov-

ingly to him. Part of the dance of attachment involves responding

to your baby responding to you. Babies with developmental delays

may not be able to respond in ways you expect, if at all. All babies

need to form secure attachments, but babies with delays need you

to work even harder.

When you have a baby who experiences developmental delays,

touch may be your most important tool of communication.

Trusting the benefits of touch

and massage

Because developmentally delayed babies may have both health

issues and attachment concerns, you may need to address both.

(See Chapter 11 for information about using massage to address

health issues.)

Massage can help you accomplish the following:

-

 Lower your baby’s stress levels

-

 Communicate with your baby

-

 Create a bond and attachment

-

 Learn to accept your baby’s limitations and appreciate new

gains in development

-

 Discover what your baby needs

-

 Stimulate learning

-

 Encourage your baby to gain weight

-

 Feel less helpless

-

 Strengthen your baby’s immune system